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Like a puzzle that's missing a piece,
Like you wrenched my heart out,
Like poison replacing my blood,

You broke me,
Now go find the key,
The key to rewind me,

Or,
Let's just break you too,
Yeah!
I like that idea!

Let's take my pen,
Burry it inside your heart,
And see if it bleeds,

You're so cruel,
Poison gushes out,
And kills everything around,

You're cold as stone,
That's why you're alive,
A stone cannot die,

I'm broken inside,
And you just teared my heart,
I see it pumping on the floor,
That's my missing part.
That's a little poem I did with ideas taken from my current poll. Keep suggesting ideas and you'll get more poems. [link]

You can listen to me live reading it on the 50th episode of my podcast that you can find here: [link]

Poem detailed explanation:

So this poem comes again from a friend suggestion, and i chose it because I wanted to actually write something gloomy that didn't happen to me, so this is pure imagination.

Because I didn't choose the title of the poem, I had to compose with it, and thus I decided that when you're broken inside it feels like you're missing something, and to make the analogy I chose to take a puzzle because it's the most visual element. When a puzzle is missing a piece you notice it immediately! It cannot be concealed.
Then I wanted something a bit more gory, and to do that I thought well in an extreme situation, someone could very well wrench your heart out, and because I never used the word to wrench before I thought it was nice to use it here, it gave a real feeling of hostility and violence that suited well the poem.
Then I thought well now that I don't have a heart anymore what more can I do to make someone suffer? Well if I replaced his blood with poison it would certainly make it endure terrible pains, and so that's what I did.

Then as I explained in other episodes, it's often useful to state facts clearly and simply, and that's what I did here, when I said "you broke me".
Next I thought well when something is broken what do you do? You repair it of course. And here I took my inspiration in a manga that I really like called "Rozen Maiden" where the characters are broken dolls that need to be rewinded with a special key to make them alive, and to keep them alive as well.

Then when you're like that, desperate, and with a lost love, you're so hurt that you want the other to suffer too, just like you do, and that's why I chose to include this in the poem. It's mean, it's directed to a specific person, and there's no ambiguity on the meaning of it.

Next I took another bit of inspiration, but this time of a drawing blog I watch everyday that is called "A pencil in the heart", and the logo for that blog is actually the girl who runs it pierced by a pencil through the heart, which is bleeding heavily.
In this case I chose a pen instead of a pencil, because I actually write using a pen, and it felt more solid and better for this kind of work.
After that I added that I wanted to know if the heart bled, because if it did not, it would mean that this person what heartless.

Now to keep the reader in the mood, I kept working on this idea of the pen buried inside the heart. But at the same time also keeping it simple, by starting with straight facts. After that I chose to show what actually happens when you get the pen out of the heart of the person, and because I wanted to make it gory and also have a strong impact, I chose to use the poison again, but this time I chose to make it gush out of her heart, and because it's poison, it doesn't specially need to be only liquid, and by that I imagined having a kind of poison cloud coming out of the heart and killing everyone around, to show how strong the poison is.

Now I decided to take a saying that define quite well this kind of person, and being cold as stone suited my purpose beautifully! Then I keep building on this idea of being as a stone and what particularities a stone could have that suited this poem. And actually I found the perfect one, saying that a stone cannot die, not even with very strong poison, or by being stabbed. Which meant that even though this girl killed everyone around her, she still lived, because she could not die.

For the big finale I chose to take the title of the poem, and build upon it, as well as remind the people of what happened during the whole poem. I did that by taking the strongest moment of the poem, and giving it a single sentence. You might agree that one of the strongest one is the fact that she took my heart out of me, and to make it more dramatical and keep it the spirit of the poem alive, I chose to imagine that she would throw it on the floor. That's why I said in the very end that it was pumping on the floor and that it was actually that my missing piece.

As a little resume of this finale, I want to say that building suspense and intrigue in a poem is very good thing it keeps the reader interested, and bringing the answer to this at the very end make all this tension go out and release the reader from its doubts, giving him or her a sense of satisfaction, which we all look forward to when reading a poem.
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:icondrakemyshiba:
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011
nice poem
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:icondrakemyshiba:
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011
youre welcome
youre a good poet
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you again for your nice words. It's always very appreciated!
Reply
:icondrakemyshiba:
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011
youre very very welcome. i may not do much here but i do my best
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. Keep doing your best!
Reply
:icondrakemyshiba:
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2011
ill try to
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Great news!
Reply
:iconnyasha24:
nyasha24 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
its short and sweet to the point but if you want it to get the emotions of the reader going so they connect with you, you need to put forth your feelings into it
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the comments and suggestions. It's very much appreciated!
Reply
:iconnyasha24:
nyasha24 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
anytime. your a good writer. the more emotions you put in the more the reader can relate and feel what you feel. remember that :hug:
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're absolutely right! I'll continue doing my best :D
Reply
:iconnyasha24:
nyasha24 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
just curious what is this llama badge?
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Well it's just for fun, because llamas are awesome! :D
Reply
:iconnyasha24:
nyasha24 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
aww ok. where u from?
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Switzerland, you?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconkakashigirlfriend001:
kakashigirlfriend001 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
deep dark and betrale is all the same to ones eyes is it not?
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
It certainly can be the same.
Reply
:iconxlightningechox:
xLightningEchox Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
How sad :(
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
indeed.
Reply
:iconblackcatsrule:
blackcatsrule Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2010  Student General Artist
One of these I need to comment before An-chan. xD Because I'm about to comment, then I she her comment, and it's like I'm reading what was on my mind exactly.

So yes. I agree with An-chan LOL.

It depends whether this person was in really deeply in love with this person, but since it seems like they're going insane with pain and hungry for revenge, words like "yeah" and "like" (unless you're using a simile for "like") sound very awkward.

While on the other hand the action words like "pumping" and "wrenched" sound really fitting.

Also, I think the "Let's take my pen, Burry it inside your heart, And see if it bleeds" is also weak. It might sound better if you indirectly add why your choice of weapon was a pen.

My favorite parts I would say are the last part, and the "key to rewind me part".
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a nice and detailed comment.

Hehe ^^ You need to be more addicted to DA so that you can comment before her, lol

For the yeah and like I will find something else next time.
I must say that I'm pretty proud about having used wrenched.

Well I wanted to add a little realism and as I was writing I choose the pen as weapon.

Yeah the key I thought that as it was a doll you had to rewind her with a key.
Reply
:iconblackcatsrule:
blackcatsrule Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2010  Student General Artist
My pleasure. =w=

I'm already pretty addicted, I just have 500+ messages in my inbox atm! xD lol

I like the choice of weapon, but you don't hear people getting stabbed with a pen in the heart too often, so I don't know if you could say that's realism...but I liked it because it was like the blood was to become the pen's ink. xD
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well and why not? You need to come up with new and original weapons, because using always the same are boring.
Reply
:iconfuzzyalligator:
fuzzyalligator Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
That was depressing but really good. I love how the thought of revenge turned up in the middle.
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah I made it fora friend that really likes sad stuff... Yeah revenge is sweet lol
Reply
:icondameodessa:
DameOdessa Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
J'adore! :)
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Merci!
Reply
:iconakiko-sama:
akiko-sama Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2010
hmmmmm it sounds nice
especially the last paragraph was awesome! (it rhymed omg! xD)

it is epic I must say and it did have a strong impact on me but it was still not like with the weapon one or with the song.

tho the idea is really awesome with the heart pumping on the flor (gahhh awesome 8D)
also with the poison gushing out of ones heart it gave me a really awesome inspiration to draw something!
it also reminds me of the latest Naruto episode ahhaha xDD
and the cold as stone part reminds me of Twilight haha x'DD

the only part that is kinda weak in my opinion is this part
Or,
Let's just brake you too,
Yeah!
I like that idea!


somehow I feel that it should be said in a darker way... how to put it
the "Yeah! I like that idea!" part sounds abit cheerful and kinda not fitting since everything else sounds moe or less emo-ish and insane-hurting...
my opinion tho

but I seriously like the end. it gives of a dark and tragical part, with a few hints of black comedy (refering to the "pumping" word)
the end is bittersweet (which I totaly love) and makes me imagine it really strongly and the image I have in mind of it is totaly awesome! 8D

all in all the poem is great, only the middle part bugs me abit
but still nevertheless great!
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well the weapon poem was written in a time when I was specially sad and stuff so you cannot beat real sadness. I was pre tenting to be sad in the poem for the sake of the game. I'm glad you like it.
Reply
:iconakiko-sama:
akiko-sama Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2010
I can understand that yes and I totaly agree
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you do.
Reply
:iconstripysonofagun0965:
Stripysonofagun0965 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2010
yet again......another epic poem
Reply
:icontursiops33:
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :D Again ^^
Reply
:iconstripysonofagun0965:
Stripysonofagun0965 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2010
no problem :lmao:
Reply
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