Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login

:icontursiops33: More from tursiops33

Featured in Collections

Emotion by DameOdessa

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
July 19, 2010
File Size
761 bytes


10 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Like a puzzle that's missing a piece,
Like you wrenched my heart out,
Like poison replacing my blood,

You broke me,
Now go find the key,
The key to rewind me,

Let's just break you too,
I like that idea!

Let's take my pen,
Burry it inside your heart,
And see if it bleeds,

You're so cruel,
Poison gushes out,
And kills everything around,

You're cold as stone,
That's why you're alive,
A stone cannot die,

I'm broken inside,
And you just teared my heart,
I see it pumping on the floor,
That's my missing part.
That's a little poem I did with ideas taken from my current poll. Keep suggesting ideas and you'll get more poems. [link]

You can listen to me live reading it on the 50th episode of my podcast that you can find here: [link]

Poem detailed explanation:

So this poem comes again from a friend suggestion, and i chose it because I wanted to actually write something gloomy that didn't happen to me, so this is pure imagination.

Because I didn't choose the title of the poem, I had to compose with it, and thus I decided that when you're broken inside it feels like you're missing something, and to make the analogy I chose to take a puzzle because it's the most visual element. When a puzzle is missing a piece you notice it immediately! It cannot be concealed.
Then I wanted something a bit more gory, and to do that I thought well in an extreme situation, someone could very well wrench your heart out, and because I never used the word to wrench before I thought it was nice to use it here, it gave a real feeling of hostility and violence that suited well the poem.
Then I thought well now that I don't have a heart anymore what more can I do to make someone suffer? Well if I replaced his blood with poison it would certainly make it endure terrible pains, and so that's what I did.

Then as I explained in other episodes, it's often useful to state facts clearly and simply, and that's what I did here, when I said "you broke me".
Next I thought well when something is broken what do you do? You repair it of course. And here I took my inspiration in a manga that I really like called "Rozen Maiden" where the characters are broken dolls that need to be rewinded with a special key to make them alive, and to keep them alive as well.

Then when you're like that, desperate, and with a lost love, you're so hurt that you want the other to suffer too, just like you do, and that's why I chose to include this in the poem. It's mean, it's directed to a specific person, and there's no ambiguity on the meaning of it.

Next I took another bit of inspiration, but this time of a drawing blog I watch everyday that is called "A pencil in the heart", and the logo for that blog is actually the girl who runs it pierced by a pencil through the heart, which is bleeding heavily.
In this case I chose a pen instead of a pencil, because I actually write using a pen, and it felt more solid and better for this kind of work.
After that I added that I wanted to know if the heart bled, because if it did not, it would mean that this person what heartless.

Now to keep the reader in the mood, I kept working on this idea of the pen buried inside the heart. But at the same time also keeping it simple, by starting with straight facts. After that I chose to show what actually happens when you get the pen out of the heart of the person, and because I wanted to make it gory and also have a strong impact, I chose to use the poison again, but this time I chose to make it gush out of her heart, and because it's poison, it doesn't specially need to be only liquid, and by that I imagined having a kind of poison cloud coming out of the heart and killing everyone around, to show how strong the poison is.

Now I decided to take a saying that define quite well this kind of person, and being cold as stone suited my purpose beautifully! Then I keep building on this idea of being as a stone and what particularities a stone could have that suited this poem. And actually I found the perfect one, saying that a stone cannot die, not even with very strong poison, or by being stabbed. Which meant that even though this girl killed everyone around her, she still lived, because she could not die.

For the big finale I chose to take the title of the poem, and build upon it, as well as remind the people of what happened during the whole poem. I did that by taking the strongest moment of the poem, and giving it a single sentence. You might agree that one of the strongest one is the fact that she took my heart out of me, and to make it more dramatical and keep it the spirit of the poem alive, I chose to imagine that she would throw it on the floor. That's why I said in the very end that it was pumping on the floor and that it was actually that my missing piece.

As a little resume of this finale, I want to say that building suspense and intrigue in a poem is very good thing it keeps the reader interested, and bringing the answer to this at the very end make all this tension go out and release the reader from its doubts, giving him or her a sense of satisfaction, which we all look forward to when reading a poem.
Add a Comment:

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2011
nice poem
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011
youre welcome
youre a good poet
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you again for your nice words. It's always very appreciated!
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2011
youre very very welcome. i may not do much here but i do my best
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. Keep doing your best!
drakemyshiba Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2011
ill try to
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Great news!
nyasha24 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
its short and sweet to the point but if you want it to get the emotions of the reader going so they connect with you, you need to put forth your feelings into it
tursiops33 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the comments and suggestions. It's very much appreciated!
Add a Comment: