I am sad again

Original French version available at: [link]

You can listen to me live reading it on the 40th episode of my podcast that you can find here: [link]

Poem detailed explanation:

So let's talk about the background for a bit. This poem is obviously telling a story, which I'm going to detail in every single way possible, but before that, the outline.
So this was written after a break up and I was asking myself at that time if I would ever be able to find someone else. Someone who would understand me and be able to share things, and do what couples usually do. This feeling is still true today even though it's only at the back of my mind not really at the center as it was at this time.
Now for the title, that poem could not have been called something else, and because I already had a poems called I'm sad, I had to find some other way to describe it, and for a long time it was called I'm sad 2, but really that didn't satisfy me in any way, until I had stroke of insight and decide to rename it to I'm sad again, which makes much more sense and doesn't look like the title for a movie.
Well as you can imagine I was pretty sad that day, or night I don't exactly remember, but what I do remember is that it's certainly the first poem I actually wrote while crying, and writing on a piece of paper that's getting wet is not really the best thing in the world. That's why I start by describing every little action that I'm taking at the moment, which is obviously making the tip of my pen come out, and crying.
To understand the next reference you will need a little bit of background. So I say "It's what I want" (to cry) here because I've always believe, still now, that you should do what you want, even if this thing is crying, or writing, or crying while writing. You don't have to suppress this envy that you have to do something, because you will regret it afterwards, and say to yourself, that you wished you did that at that time. Even with that kind of philosophy you cannot always do what you want, I completely understand that but it's a good starting point.
I think that falling tears actually is something that is deeply emotional and even more if you leave them be and not try to dry your tears immediately. That's why I write about it in detail, because for me it nearly feels like a part of me is leaving me, and in the context of this poem that's exactly what I was feeling at the time, and emphasize the emotions and makes for a perfect poem. Also I might add that as I'm loosing tears, it makes me think of all the things I've lost, and thus me writing about the lost girl friends and happiness that goes with them.
Well I must say that the next sentence is quite egotistical, but you have to be true to yourself, and I really thought at that time that these girls wouldn't be able to be happy if they would not be with me. And as I usually do in my poems I compare them to angels, and it goes very well because as they're going further away from me you can totally imagine an angel flying away from you. And it's much more romantic and dramatic than a girl just walking away. Also as in the movies or anime, when you see an angel going away you're trying to extend your hand as far as possible to try and grab on to it, which makes the context that much more epic. Also saying that I offer those girls/angels a tomorrow but that they want today instead, makes for an interesting thinking.
Then on to the biggest thing about girls, it's that you never know what they want exactly, you always have to guess, and even though that could be a fun game of hide and seek, in reality it's really annoying, and can certainly bring a lot of tension, because she is trying to tell you without telling you what she wants, and you think you understood it, but in fact you didn't, and it's only when there is not other choice but conflict that she finally tells you straight what it was she really wanted, don't you agree guys?
Now for this next comparison I must shamefully admit that I thought about flies and those kind of fly catchers that usually hang from the ceiling. And I said to myself, what would it take to actually try to lure one of these angels, so that it can choose me to be part of the tribe. That's where I thought that to be one of them it could certainly give me one of its wings so that in reference to my favorite quote "We are all angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other" we could fly away together.
Then I thought well that flying together away thing is very nice, but if instead of that we keep flapping those wings and we don't lift ourselves at all, and we're just moving air, then it's really useless, and it's so useless, that I would prefer to give back the wing than have to support this, because if you cannot fly what is a wing good for anyway?
Now I really like colors, and I thought well if we could fly and with our wings create some kind of whirlwind full of colors, wouldn't that be awesome? So that's what I wrote. But still being a bit cautious and not let myself be engulfed in pure happiness, I still say that this flying thing with only one wing is a bit unstable and might take some getting used to. Getting better at flying and getting better at not mixing the colors together while flying in this whirlwind, because even if we're flying together we're still two individuals, and that said, even with all the romanticism that I have in me, I still think that each of the partners needs to have their own way of doing things, and cannot be blended with the other one, or it will result in a mess. Saying that in a more poetic way with colors.
Now taking this mixture of colors to another level, I also describe it as moving into time. Because your relationship needs to keep going no matter what season it is. And then going into a tangent describing all the good things you can do when you're two, and all the things you can enjoy in each season. And to continue in that path again, one thing bringing another, when you're laying down in the grass you're watching the sky, and you could be doing that for a long time, because when you're in good company time goes by fast, and you could definitely be there the whole day. And as the stars appear just like a sailor would, you use them to guide you to safety or just to where you want to go, even if in this moment you're on the ground, you need guidance in your love life, and that's what the stars are for.
But in all this dreaming needs also to be some reasoning, and being too nice is not really something you want to do, because being too nice even in a world with an angel, you need to keep your head cool, and think rationally. To make this concept a bit more easy to understand I take the example of a little rabbit, and this poor animal also has a natural sense of danger and also trust that you can gain from him.
But for me someone who breaks up, means that she's shortening my pursuit of happiness and that certainly is making me sad. To the point where I feel like I've been killed, or maybe that killing me would have been a better, more human way to finish this relationship.
For the final words I wanted something very strong, and I thought that someone I love sitting on my knees, meaning that I really gave her all my trust, takes up a gun and shoot me in the head to kill would be a quite epic way to go out of this world for good.